Hey, Dad! Aah!
Ow! My eye!
Will you tie my shoe like old times?
In old times, they buckled their shoes.
Steady...
Dad! Bang! What?
Hi. Hi.
One shot...
...one kill.
CLEVELAND JR.: One what, Daddy?
Damn it, Junior! You just gave Diosanto
the keys to the whole cartel!
Entire villages will die!
Innocent women will be forced to wear sombreros!
And all because you couldn't give your dad some time alone!
Buenos dias!
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family ♪
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place ♪
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
The Cleveland Show 2x20 Back to Cool Original Air Date on April 17, 2011
Ese no bueno.
A homeless blanket touched me!
Yeah. Toddlers and Tiaras.
Five-year-old anorexics forced to get spray tans.
Hey! I was watching whatever that was.
You're going to break something. Give me that!
Now you broke something.
I hope that's a child murderer.
Close enough.
Hey, doughboy.
I'm here for my dough.
What are you talking about, Robert?
I'm here for my alimony check, which I'll take in cash.
Here you go, Robert.
What? Why are we giving him alimony?
We're not. I am.
It was the only way I could get him to finalize the divorce.
I never heard about this.
Oh, that's because I never told you.
Remember? Oh, yeah.
$600, $700, $800.
Ex-husband.
Best job I ever had.
Well, second best.
In this experiment, we will be testing the effects
of massive amounts of high-quality marijuana
on a man's ability to play video games while having sex.
Science!
Give it! Ow!
I got a booger with your wrist's name on it.
Aah! Right in the bridge!
Oh, getting the watery eye.
Water, not tears! Natural.
Now that I'm flush, I'm gonna go see
what that Chevron with the Techron's all about.
No! No leave!
Get your mitts off me, Romney.
You want to keep getting this monthly 'mony money,
you've got to do something for it. Hey, give me, ugh!
And you can start by taking your kids for the day.
My kids?! This is alimony, not child support.
Aw, do I really get to go with you, Dad?
Can I, Dad? Can I?
Dad? Dad? Dad? Dad? Dad?
All right, fine, I'll take them. Terrific!
Roberta, you and Rallo are going--- With our dad. I heard.
You always think you're talking quieter than you are.
I'll go, but I'm keeping my earbuds in the whole time.
Wish you had mouthbuds.
See? I heard that, too!
Ah, finally,
I can hear myself think.
I wonder how the Captain & Tennille met.
I would hate to smell the inside of his hat.
Mmm. Nice to have time for these thoughts.
Dad, will you check the toilet for monsters?
I have to go the "sit" kind.
Daddy, please, no!
I don't want to go with Mr. Robert!
He's felonious!
Need time alone. Whatever you're paying him, I'll double it.
I'll miss you. You'll be fine.
I like being home! If you don't like what you're doing,
use your "emer-gination."
Bye...
All right, they're gone.
That means we have the house all to ourselves.
And the bedroom. Hm-hm!
We can do whatever we want.
Oh, yes!
Consumer Reports says that toaster oven we got
is the best in the price range!
Hootie hoo!
Now, all the dogs are blindfolded
so it's a fair fight. But if they start wilding out,
we're going to have to scram right quick.
Junior, they'll come after you first,
'cause they'll smell your salty meat sweat.
But you're big; you can handle them.
That genie was right.
Salty meat sweat was a bad wish.
Oh, what a day.
Watched Eve's Bayou, long nap,
watched Eve's Bayou again, another nap,
back to the Bayou, ordered in,
had them bring it upstairs to the bedroom,
ate it, and here we are.
Fool, be quiet. I'm trying to watch Eve's Bayou.
Eve's Bayou's on!
I thought it wasn't supposed to be on HBO Urban East
until midnight. It's past midnight.
So... the kids came home, right?
No Rallo!
No Junior!
No Roberta!
No clean towels! They're in the dryer!
Who's gonna fold them now that Junior's gone?!
Calm down.
I'll just call Robert.
All right, I'll get it!
Hello?
No, you listen to me, Drake!
The CIA wants their microchip back,
they got to dig it out of my brain themselves!
Wait, why is my ear bleeding?
Oh, God, they're trying to take it!
Squeaky, you've been compromised.
You're putting us all in danger.
I'm sorry, Squeaky.
It's just the game.
You got to get before you get got.
He's not picking up.
Cleveland, how can you take a shower
when the kids are missing?!
You know I shower when I'm scared.
Oh, thank God!
Robert, where the hell were you?!
Clowning around with these turkeys.
Boy, you crazy.
Gobble, gobble.
Are you okay, Junior?
Oh, yeah! Mr. Robert took us to Chick-fil-A.
Oh, man. Kid ate five sandwiches.
And remember how many chicken sandwiches I ate?
Kid's a genius, too.
He taught me a pattern for the Ms. Pac-Man machine.
Two-thirds. I-I ate two-thirds of a sandwich.
Gave the rest to a bird.
Now I call this kid Pac-Man.
'Cause he's round and eats everything in sight.
Whoa, whoa. Where-where did that come from?
Pac-Man's good people.
Bad, Rallo!
Well, Robert, since you and the Pac-Man
hit it off so well, maybe you should take him more often.
That way I could spend more time with my Popsicle-stick houses.
Hmm?
Don't worry, me and the big guy'll hang out again.
See you, Pac-Man.
Stay black, man.
Later, Rallo.
Oh, I'm 'bout to start acting out hard-core.
Relax. This is just temporary.
Like lesbianism at women's colleges.
So let me be the first to say,
you are all officially college graduates.
WOMEN We need to talk.
You're a pretty little house.
I want to put you by the seashore and grow old in you.
Spend my days inside you, making houses of even tinier materials,
such as toothpicks.
So then, Dumbledore put on the invisibility cloak
and entered the Deathly Hallows.
Oh, man, that's crazy.
So how do you know this dude, again?
Well, it looks like you two had fun.
I'll say!
Pac-Man here taught me Morse code.
All right, see you tomorrow.
Dot-dot-dash-dot, dot-dash, dot-dash-dot, dash.
Oh, you sick!
You're taking him out again tomorrow?
Yeah, I'm gonna give him some pointers
on getting with that girl he likes.
Elayne Boosler?!
No, you know, Joanna. From school?
She's all the boy talks about.
Huh. I don't remember him mentioning a Joanna to me.
Or that he goes to school.
I'm not surprised.
Do you realize this chump's never even had
"the talk" with Junior? You haven't?
I'm going to do it when he becomes a man,
on his 18th birthday, and is headed to university.
Yeah, well, since you ain't man enough,
I'm gonna give Junior the sex talk.
Later, fool.
I'm gonna give him the sex talk!
You're not the expert just because you've had sex
with four of the six women I've had sex with,
plus a lot more.
And I really wish I wasn't shouting this out the door
in front of the neighbors and our Lord!
Amen!
Sure is beautiful out here, isn't it, Junior?
I guess so.
The perfect setting for a father-son talk.
Waves tickling our toes,
salt air filling our lungs,
seashells everywhere.
Do you hear the ocean, Daddy?
I wanna talk to a octopus!
Just a moment, Junior. Daddy's on the phone.
Yep, mm-hmm, yeah.
I'll let him know.
Junior, the ocean says
there's a girl at school you're sweet on.
The ocean knows about Joanna? Mm-hmm.
And I know you're becoming a man,
and there's a few things you should know.
Icebreaker; did that.
Shell phone bit; that worked.
Becoming a man-- here we go.
In nature, certain things are meant to fit together.
Like a bird in its nest,
or a hand in a glove,
or a hot dog in a donut.
So being a man means I can eat donut dogs?
Perhaps I was less than clear.
Let me skip ahead.
When a woman truly loves a man,
she lies down in bed next to him,
takes his most special treasure...
and cuts it-- and that's why you have a belly button.
And... my cards seem to be out of order.
Well, you basically get it.
Now, as for Joanna, try to initiate physical contact.
Arrange to have a soda sprayed all over her shirt--
ask the albino kid, he's dying to be included in something.
Then just happen to walk by with a roll of paper towels.
And that will work?
If I know soda as well as I think I do--
yeah, it'll work.
Talk to me. How'd it go with Joanna?
Tell me everything.
I asked her to the movies. She said "no."
What?! Did you do the soda thing?
Yeah, the albino kid missed his cue.
Mm. He's probably beating himself up
worse than we ever could.
You know what, Dad?
Thanks for your help,
but I think I'm just not ready for girls yet.
Well, then why don't you and I go to the movies tonight?
It'll be great.
We'll sneak in some drinks, sneak in some popcorn--
heck, we could even take us a couple po' boys in there.
What do you say, champ?
I think I'm just gonna chill out in my room.
That po' , po ' boy.
Now all I can think about is
eating a s-s-s-sandwich at the m-m-m-movies.
You're not fooling anybody
sneaking that food into the theater.
Just keep moving.
The soup's starting to burn.
Hey, there's Robert.
And there's Joanna.
Robert's dating Joanna?!
Oh, Junior's gonna be devastated.
And I can't imagine Joanna's father will be...
Oh, no, there's Junior.
That must have been awkward, riding between Robert and Joanna
on the way to their creepy date.
Cleveland, Junior's on the date with Joanna.
But that doesn't make sense.
Junior told me she said no.
Thanks for the ride, Mr. Brown.
Thanks for the gas money, Joanna.
See you after the show, Dad.
Are you ready to order?
We're gonna need a minute.
I can't believe Junior's calling Robert "Dad."
I carried that boy for nine months.
It was when he was 12.
He was scared to touch the ground.
Convinced himself everything was hot lava.
Maybe that's part of the problem, Cleveland.
You baby him.
Robert treats him like a man.
Mm, used to treat me like a man, too.
What does that mean? Bye-bye.
Hey, Dad, let me cop a hit off that juice bag.
I thought Robert was your dad.
That's right.
I saw you at...
"the theatre."
Why would you call Robert "Dad"?
Well, the thing is--
and I'm sorry to have to get real like this--
but he's cooler than you, Dad.
C-c-cooler?
Yeah, I mean, your idea?
That whole albino mess?
I never stood a chance.
But Robert, he knows what women want.
Yep.
Look, Dad, I'm not trying to replace you with Robert.
And you best believe I'm still coming to you
for things like taxes and the best laundry detergent.
Wisk. Right.
So, you cool?
Yeah, I'm cool.
No, no, Dad. You're not cool.
This a-guy, he sweet but he no listen.
Junior's wrong about me.
I'm cool, right, guys?
Course you're cool, bro.
Would I call you bro if you weren't cool?
Probably would. I call everybody bro.
'Sup, bro.
I don't know, Cleveland, I have to admit,
when I imagined having a black friend in my mind,
I was picturing more of an Isaac Hayes type.
He is pretty cool.
Maybe if I shaved my head...
Nah, I got that hot dog roll back there.
That wouldn't look good at all.
Hey, I'm way cooler than Robert.
If only there was some way to prove it.
"Coolympics." What?!
"The Coolympics." A rigorous series of events
judged by a panel of experts...
...experts to determine which contestant is cooler.
I know what a damn Coolympics is, fool.
Well, I challenge you to one of those.
It's obviously the only way
I can win back the love of my son.
Please! Every four years, some nerd
challenges me to a Coolympics.
And I ain't lost yet. I'm in.
See you at the Coolympics, chump.
Come on, Pac-Man.
Waka-waka- waka-waka-waka...
You're Coolympicking against him?
Listen, dummy.
There's only one way you're gonna win this thing,
and that's if I coach you.
You want me to win?
No, I want him to lose.
My dad ditched me just like Junior ditched you.
Time to make him pay.
Yeah.
♪ We're gonna make him pay... ♪ Stop it.
♪ We're gonna make him pay ♪ That's the problem right here. This is not cool.
♪ We're gonna make him pay ♪ Put me down.
Welcome, one and all, to the Coolympics.
Remember, we have absolutely no street permits for this event,
so if the cops come, run like hell.
And now to our contestants,
Cleveland Lou Albano Brown and Robert.
And now, to judge this epic battle,
we've gathered the three coolest men alive,
who agreed to be here because they were misled
about the nature of this competition.
From the L-B-C, Mr. Calvin "Snoop Dogg" Broadus.
If you wanna see my giraffe naked, go to Snoop Dogg-dot-tv.
I also got a tiger having sex with a pelican.
Nice.
Our next judge takes a lot of credit
while gravity does the work.
Please welcome the only professional skateboarder
in the universe, Tony Hawk.
Even my board gets mad play.
He's so radical.
Oh, and here's our final judge,
all the way from Cloud City--
Lando Calrissian.
You no good, low-down, Coolympians.
Just kidding.
I'm nice.
And cool.
I've never heard of these judges.
And Cleveland Brown has lost the first event--
"Recognizing Cool People."
Aw.
We move on to our second event,
"Getting A Hot Bartender's Attention."
And... go!
Excuse me, sir... Uh, are you in line?
If I could just scoot by...
Oh... uh... Hi.
Uh, pardon, when you get a second,
may I get an iced Earl Grey please?
With a cherry. Time.
Let's see what the judges thought.
Snoop?
The guy gettin' ass always wins.
You got that right, friend.
Okay, our next event is "Looking Cool In Jeans."
Gentlemen, show us what you got.
Oh, he went acid-washed.
We got this one.
What the... Jean shorts?
That's not what I picked out for you.
Called an audible.
When you've got the legs, you show 'em off.
Not bad.
Now turn around and make it clap. Beg pardon?
Aw, no, that's a dude! Man, I'm up outta here!
See y'all. Man, I'm gone.
Whee!
For our final event-- and just for a little tension,
let's say whoever wins this wins the whole thing--
"Who Can Get Michael Buble on the Phone the Fastest?"
Who the is Michael Buble?
Michael, is that you? It's Cleveland.
I got him! I got Buble on the phone!
I win the Coolympics! I win!
Trick event.
Michael Buble ain't cool.
Sorry, buddy.
I had no choice.
And by a score of 85 to nothing,
Robert wins the Coolympics.
Whatever, I don't care.
86 to nothing.
Wait a minute!
I have something to say.
Wow.
Thought it would take a little more time to get your attention.
Okay, what I want to say is this--
I did all this because I want my son to love me.
And if that's not cool, then I don't want to be cool.
Good, 'cause you're not. Who said that?
Me, but I'm speaking for everyone.
Is that true? Yes.
All I wanted to do was make my dad jealous
and you're too lame to even help me do that.
Jealous? Why?
Because you ditched me for Cleveland Junior.
Come on, Rallo, Junior needs help.
Look where he comes from.
That's assault.
I'm gonna sue you all.
But you came from my groins.
You were born cool.
Hey, Junior.
Where's your little girlfriend?
Tony Hawk said he was gonna show her
how to do a backside ollie,
but we all know what that means.
Well, that's understandable.
Did you mean all that embarrassing stuff
you said about doing this for my love?
Yeah.
I thought that was nice.
And being nice is more important than being cool.
And maybe this makes me uncool,
but I love you... Dad.
It does make you uncool.
Come on, son.
Let's go home.
What a stressful experience.
I'm definitely sleeping in your bed tonight.
That's fine, 'cause I'm not!
Works every time.
Aw, who could blame her?
== sync, corrected by elderman ==